What irritates me the most lately is that I just barely fit all the requirements listed in a particular job’s ad. Take this one for example from Craigslist:
Bikini Baristas - Drive thru (sacramento)
Sacramentos First Drive Thru Bikini Espresso Stand <-- Finally!
Drive thru coffee shop now hiring Baristas. Must be comfortable working in a bikini or themed costume. <--Does my Scully costume from my junior year Drama Club awards show in high school count? It does include standard Government Issue heels.
Must have Barista experience or be overwhelming qualified in other areas. <-- Except the English language. Will consider Training period. <-- What about time off for periods? Who wants to stand in a bikini when you’re bloated and irritable? “Hi, welcome to Cowgirls. Do you think I look fat in this?”
Must be able to work in fast paced environment. Be energetic, upbeat, honest and reliable.
Confident in her ability to prepare and serve coffee and espresso drinks in a Bikini. <-- I tell you what. Go ahead and let these girls prance about in their undies all day without an apron or sufficiently protective clothing. Let’s see how long it takes before one of them gets a third degree burn in the crotch area.
Be an Excellent Communicator. <-- Does, “Hey babe, how can I best serve you” count? Sharp memory for names and drinks will increase your take home pay.
Looking for both full time and part time positions. (hours are 6:00 am to 5:00 pm)
Reliable transportation and a cell phone. <-- I’m thinking white Honda civics with Roxy stickers and a 99% angel license plate frame, oh, and . . . pink bedazzled cell phone cases.
Must be a team player and able to leave drama at home. <-- HA HA! Good luck, holmes! You’re putting two or three half-naked girls in a small space competing for money and attention for 6-8 hours at a time. Give it a few days and it’ll be American Gladiator in there!
youtube "hot coffee girls part 2" for more info <-- Don’t mind if I do. (See Below)
Resumes without photo will not be considered <-- I wouldn’t DREAM of not attaching a close-up picture of me with braces at 13 years old on the night of my best friend’s Bat Mitzvah!
Location: sacramento
Compensation: $8.50 per hour. tips could exceed $20 to $40 per hour
Go ahead . . . you know you want to.
You see: four years of expert barista training, experience in one of the highest volume coffee chains in the world, not to mention award-winning customer service and I couldn’t get this job because I refuse to parade around dangerously hot products in my swimmin’ suit.
I can guess what you’re thinking. I’m only pissed off at this job listing because I don’t think I look good in a bikini and I’m just jealous of the girls who are.
Hell no! I know I don’t look good in a bikini!
I hate this job listing because it puts these women in a serious sketchy atmosphere all day long. There are no athletic male body guards at the little espresso hut. There isn’t a big tall butch lesbian manager (and hot wing expert) to keep the customers in line. Did you hear the girl say she’s had multiple (MULTIPLE) marriage proposals?
What is the owner of this business thinking?!? How many lawyers does he have? Hey, I’ve got a math problem for him: Hot milk + bare-skinned twenty-something females + sexually frustrated forty-something males = big freakin’ lawsuit!
And to the girls who are using this job to put themselves through school or to pay off their overwhelming (correct use of this word, I might add) and unnecessary credit card debt (thanks to Juicy and Victoria’s Secret) go to http://www.starbucks.com/. You might not get $700 per day, but I’m pretty sure you’ll reduce your chances of getting diced up and thrown into an industrial sized freezer by the neighborhood creep.
As for me, I’m off to a second interview with Sacramento News & Review . . . in slacks!
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